Festivus for the rest of us

Oh, how I love Festivus. It’s the perfect excuse for people (like me) who are looking for a reason to complain (not that I need one).  Airing Festivus Grievances is all about entitlement.

For those of you who never watched Seinfeld and are unfamiliar with this joyus celebration, Wikipedia defines Festivus as “a secular holiday celebrated on December 23 as a way to celebrate the holiday season without participating in its pressures and commercialism”.  The Airing of grievances is supposed to take place right after the Festivus dinner has been served.

And at the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around, and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year – Frank Costanza

The airing of grievances is just part of the celebration, though.  A “Festivus pole”,  which is literally just an undecorated aluminum pole, “Feats of Strength“, and the labeling of easily explainable events as “Festivus miracles” are what make Festivus so crazy awesome.

And because I know you expect nothing less, here are my Festivus grievances for this year.  And just for shits & giggles, I’m delivering them in 140 characters or less.  BOOM.

1.  To the parents who stop/park in the school drop off lane till the kids get inside!It’s a rolling drop off & you’re making me late for work.

2.  That damn Christmas Shoes song makes me bawl my eyes out every single time I hear it….I wish they would stop playing it.  For good.

3.   Dear makers of tinsel.  Damn you to hell for inventing such a irresistably messy decoration that I just have to have.

4.  Dear Lincoln Chaffee, govenor of RI – it’s a CHRISTMAS TREE, not a holiday tree.  Idiot.  Some things should just be left alone.

5.  To my kids: If you use the last of something, put it on the grocery list. New poptarts don’t just magically appear in the cabinet you know.

6.  To the driver who cut me off & slowed down:I get that you’re more important than I am. You’re probably on the way to cure cancer right now.

So, in the spirit of the day, go on and leave me a comment with all your Festivus grievances.

I hope everyone had a nice Christmas (or whatever holiday you celebrate) this year.  My family and I had a fantastic year and everyone got everything they wanted & there were even a few surprises!  By surprises, I am referring to the Tiffany earrings “Santa” got me.  I have the Somerset ring (which Chris got me for my birthday last summer), so “santa” got me these matching knot earrings:

Santa did good.  REAL good!

We were up around 6:30 on Christmas morning, opened all our presents & then my boys were picked up by their dad around 9 am to do Christmas over there.  Once the boys were gone, so was our tree.  Yes, you read that right….the tree came down Christmas morning.  When the tree was still on the lot, it looked perfect.  We all went down to pick it out and we all agreed that it was a nice tree.  Then we got it home and a few days later,  it all spread out. I hated it and so did Chris. It literally blocked our way to the stairs and was just in the way in general.  I normally take the tree down on Christmas night anyway, so it was just a teeny tiny bit earlier this year.  Here is a picture of the lame-o tree:

Overall, it was a great Christmas.  My six year old got tons of legos, K’Nex and a bunch of other stuff that all had to be put together.  My three year old could have cared less about any of his presents & just wanted to play Wii the whole time we were opening them. But my 13 year old was VERY happy and definitley got everything he asked for!

At the moment we are in the middle of a blizzard, so we’re going to have to dig out later when it stops.  We have about 10 inches right now, which isn’t too bad I suppose.  At least I will have a chance to finish cleaning up my house, right?

Now it’s your turn.  I want to hear about everyone else’s holiday!

Christmas vacation started yesterday around 1 pm in our town.  The kids had an early release day from school (hence the 1 pm dismissal).  I’m not exactly sure why they let the kids out an entire day before every other town in the area gets out, but as I’m writing this, my boys are behind me fighting.  Physically fighting.  It’s going to be a long week.

Anyways,  I have a ton of things I need to get done before the big day on Saturday.  No, not shopping or wrapping….we all know I was done with that over a month ago.  I have some baking/cooking to get done.  I was originally supposed to host Christmas dinner at my house as I’ve done for the past four or five years, but then my grandmother stepped in and said she’d like to host it like she used to (before I took it over).  You see, her food is terrible.  Absolutely terrible.  It’s always WAY over-cooked or too dry or something.  She’d cook a turkey for dinner & start it at 5 am for a 2 or 3 pm dinner, so it was dried out so badly that it was like eating wood chips.  Literally, the gravy would soak right in to it.  But thankfully this year she’s decided to get it catered.   She’s picking it up tomorrow afternoon & will have to heat it herself, so my fingers are crossed that she follows the directions and doesn’t dry it out to dust by over-cooking it.

So, I am off to make potato salad for Christmas eve at my in-laws, rice krispie treats for chritmas day, cookies for Santa and salt-dough ornaments for my kids to decorate today (plus the 4000 other things I need to get accomplished).  But first, I’m off to clean off my car from the snow last night and  a trip to Dunkin Donuts for coffee and munchkins is definitely in order!

Apparently my ex has been having a hard time lately.  On top of his grandmother dying (RIP), apparently he has been having way more financial difficulties than I realized.  He stopped by my place the other day while everyone was at school to drop some stuff off with me & we ended up talking.  I knew his grandmother was about to pass because he called me while I was in Disney last week asking to switch his night this week because of it.  At the time he was unsure how long she had, but said it wouldn’t be more than a day or two.  She passed on Sunday night.

So we were in my kitchen talking and all of the sudden he started to get teary eyed.  He asked if there was any way I would consider letting him pay me my child support for the week of 01/01/11 in the spring because he was so short on money right now and he said he’s put it in writing (like I wouldn’t insist on that).  Queue the tears.  He started crying about how he had no money to buy the kids Christmas presents (FYI – Santa goes to both houses).  He said he only had a few things and didn’t know how he was going to get more.

I don’t know why, but I felt bad for him.  I have very little sympathy for anyone in general, let alone him, but I actually felt really bad for him.  I know him pretty well,  and I honestly don’t think he was begging for a handout or anything.  I think he was having a heart to heart with me because he knew I’d understand.  I did.  Hey, I was a single mom for a few years there, so I know what it’s like.

So I’m standing there listening to this and I started to think about the kids.  Now, I realize they are still little and wouldn’t read too much into getting 10 presents from Santa at my house and 2 at their dad’s, but I want my kids to be happy and I want them to have a magical Christmas with their dad as much as they have here at home.  All this ran through my head within about three seconds, so I did something that even surprised myself.  I offered to give him some stuff to give to the kids from Santa. Wait, what?  

You see, I’m one of “those people” that buys stuff for Christmas all year long.  I see something on clearance or for a great price…I buy it.  I literally start the day after Christmas and just store whatever I buy away until I need it. This year my advance shopping caused me to have way more stuff than I needed or would ever give them all at one time, so it was all just sitting in the back of my closet.  I thought to myself “what the hell” and offered it to him for the kids.  Why not, right?  I could have let it sit there collecting dust till next Christmas or give it to my ex and let my kids have an amazing Christmas.

Not that I’ve received a thank you yet, but I’m sure I’ll get one, right?  It’s not like I did it for him anyways.  At least I know my kids are going to have an awesome Christmas at both houses now.

Wishing you all a VERY Merry Christmas!! And to all my Jewish friends: Happy Friday!

One of my friends emailed this to me a few days ago and I thought some of these were cute.

TWENTY WAYS TO CONFUSE SANTA CLAUS

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he’s in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say “We hate Christmas,” and “Go away Santa”

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

9. While he’s in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn’t have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, “For The Tooth Fairy.” Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, “For Santa”

11. Take everything out of your house as if it’s just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, “Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime.”

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

13. While he’s in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa’s sure to see them. Go outside, yell, “Ooh! Look! A deer! And he’s got a red nose!” and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you’ve moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you’re sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

18. Paint “hoof-prints” all over your face and clothes. While he’s in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you’ve been “trampled.” Threaten to sue.

19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, “This neighborhood ain’t big enough for the both of us.”

Here is my wish list that I am sending to Santa this year: